The dreaded friend zone. Jokes galore are forever made in the name of the "friend zone" as the women (and maybe some men) are accused of always wanting to date bad guys/girls instead of the good guy. American society makes fun of the men forever trapped in the friend zone and I wonder how we went wrong as society.
The friend zone tells me that I can not simply be a friend to a guy, that men are archaically Neanderthal and simply can not comprehend a world where its ok to be JUST FRIENDS. Society tells me that to even give a guy 'false hope' in the name of friendship makes me this big, bad, evil woman. I mean how DARE I be a friend to a man. Shame on me!!!
It's a concept that is really difficult for me because this idea and mentality is what shapes our current society. I had hoped that people were mature enough to understand that using terminology like friend zone is simply lazy, sexist, and absolves people of responsibility. Here's an idea, maybe it can be absolutely fulfilling having a platonic relationship with somebody that your interested in. I've had unrequited crushes on guys that I've liked (one happened be gay, but that's ANOTHER story), and even though they didn't like me the way I did them, I still to this day value their friendship. They are absolutely amazing guys. I am so grateful that I was mature enough to simply find value and worth in their friendship. Relationships do not need to end in sex and the sooner society understands that, the better we ALL will be.
I find issue with the fact that while it is a gender neutral term it's mostly used in gender relationships of male and female. Usually it is the male who has feelings for the girl and she's not interested because she only dates the 'jock' or the 'bad boy' instead of dating the 'good' guy who is her friend. She's stupid, lost, and simply cant comprehend how good she could have it if she just dated her 'good' friend. That in itself is ironic because how can a guy be a 'good' guy if the only reason he's her friend is because he thinks he deserves to have sex with her even when she isn't feeling it? The friend zone puts men in a place where they have no other need in life except sex and women are mountains to be conquered, a problem to be solved instead being a person. That concept in itself helps contribute to the rape culture that our society propagates and it only harms potential healthy and fulfilling relationship with people of opposite sex or gender. Relationships that garner trust and even perhaps a fulfilling romantic relationship with someone.
I hate to break it to you but attraction is a science and so many factors go into what a person is attracted to. It spans across facial features, pheromones, and hormones. Bottom line is--NO BODY can just instantly turn on the attraction for someone else because that person invested TIME in them. People can like you when you invest time into them, I like friends who hang out with me...who show interest in me as person--doesn't mean I want to sleep them. Spoiler alert: attraction and liking someone are two separate things. I like neighbors, I like coffee, and I like certain peoples personalities but that doesn't necessarily mean that I am sexually attracted to those things. At the end it still is an honor and a privilege to be someone friend.
The problem with the friend zone is entitlement. It says, that if your nice enough to a someone, then they have to be with you. It removes choice and attraction from the equation and simply is not acceptable. So be proud of being in the Friend Zone because it is a way to have valuable relationships with fascinating people.
Rape Culture Much?
The friend zone tells me that I can not simply be a friend to a guy, that men are archaically Neanderthal and simply can not comprehend a world where its ok to be JUST FRIENDS. Society tells me that to even give a guy 'false hope' in the name of friendship makes me this big, bad, evil woman. I mean how DARE I be a friend to a man. Shame on me!!!
It's a concept that is really difficult for me because this idea and mentality is what shapes our current society. I had hoped that people were mature enough to understand that using terminology like friend zone is simply lazy, sexist, and absolves people of responsibility. Here's an idea, maybe it can be absolutely fulfilling having a platonic relationship with somebody that your interested in. I've had unrequited crushes on guys that I've liked (one happened be gay, but that's ANOTHER story), and even though they didn't like me the way I did them, I still to this day value their friendship. They are absolutely amazing guys. I am so grateful that I was mature enough to simply find value and worth in their friendship. Relationships do not need to end in sex and the sooner society understands that, the better we ALL will be.
I find issue with the fact that while it is a gender neutral term it's mostly used in gender relationships of male and female. Usually it is the male who has feelings for the girl and she's not interested because she only dates the 'jock' or the 'bad boy' instead of dating the 'good' guy who is her friend. She's stupid, lost, and simply cant comprehend how good she could have it if she just dated her 'good' friend. That in itself is ironic because how can a guy be a 'good' guy if the only reason he's her friend is because he thinks he deserves to have sex with her even when she isn't feeling it? The friend zone puts men in a place where they have no other need in life except sex and women are mountains to be conquered, a problem to be solved instead being a person. That concept in itself helps contribute to the rape culture that our society propagates and it only harms potential healthy and fulfilling relationship with people of opposite sex or gender. Relationships that garner trust and even perhaps a fulfilling romantic relationship with someone.
I hate to break it to you but attraction is a science and so many factors go into what a person is attracted to. It spans across facial features, pheromones, and hormones. Bottom line is--NO BODY can just instantly turn on the attraction for someone else because that person invested TIME in them. People can like you when you invest time into them, I like friends who hang out with me...who show interest in me as person--doesn't mean I want to sleep them. Spoiler alert: attraction and liking someone are two separate things. I like neighbors, I like coffee, and I like certain peoples personalities but that doesn't necessarily mean that I am sexually attracted to those things. At the end it still is an honor and a privilege to be someone friend.
The problem with the friend zone is entitlement. It says, that if your nice enough to a someone, then they have to be with you. It removes choice and attraction from the equation and simply is not acceptable. So be proud of being in the Friend Zone because it is a way to have valuable relationships with fascinating people.
Rape Culture Much?
Nah. Maybe I'm alone, but "friends" and "in the friend zone" are not synonymous. The friend zone is emotionally exploitative in much the same way as "rape culture much?" is physically (and emotionally) exploitative. The term is goofy, but that's just a 21st century slang for an incongruous relationship where one party wants significantly more than the other. Those types of relationships always hurt, whether it's business (I wanted a much better hamburger in exchange for my $7) or personal (I have stronger feelings for you than you for me). I don't know what responsibility TFZ absolves people of, but the two times that stick out in my mind, the women knew I wanted significantly more out of the relationship than they were willing to put into it, but they never stopped dropping suggestive language / doing leading things and I felt like I was being led around like a leashed dog for a few months. "Exploitation" is a strong word, but it's exactly how I felt every time she cried about an ex that was never quiiiiite in the past and every time she sent me bikini pictures (how do I look?) while turning down my invites to the beach.
ReplyDeleteElisha, I would consider us "friends" but not "in the friend zone" because you were tied up a few years ago and I never really thought about it. I would hope that if we end up in the same spot again in the future, being blog friends hasn't automatically disqualified me haha. Once I declare my undying love for you and you cringe and say "I value your friendship" ... BAM. Friend zone :P
There is a difference between being abusive and maintaining unhealthy relationships with a person who exploits you and being on the same level emotionally with someone. Emotional abuse is not ok.
ReplyDeleteIn no way could I ever imagine using anyone let alone any guy who has feelings for me just because I wanted something . I've met plenty of narcissistic girls who are like that though.
There is, however, a fine line a person needs to walk when emotions are not equal.